I'm sitting here all alone -- not in a place near the water, but in an address that I've occupied for just five weeks. I'm 300+ miles from my boyfriend, my parents, my family. And I'm pretty sure I hate it. I got a "promotion" within my company. Awesome. Just what I'd always wanted. Oh...but be careful what you wish for. I'm miserable, and especially tonight.
It has just occurred to me that maybe the Internet will out fox me and connect this to my facebook or myspace profile and then I'll be outed, though I'm sure that my friends know of my misery all too well. I keep trying to slap a smile on my face and make it seem as though this is exactly what I want and wanted and hope for in the future.
Six months ago, I wanted to know that my company cared about me, invested in me and saw an asset in me as a human resource. And then, three months ago, they offered me a new job. And they said I'd travel about half of the time.
And now, I'm a promoted late-twenty-something girl trying to not cry on the phone to her boyfriend or her mother as they go about their lives 300 miles away. Do I want to be home? Would I be doing anything different if I were there?
I used to say, when I moved away just after college, that I knew exactly what I was missing at home. And I did, then. And I was okay with missing it for some reason. But now -- I happen to have made friends with the girl who lives behind me in this apartment complex. She's quite nice. I'll call her a friend, even. But she had me over for a cocktail and appetizers party with her sisters last night...good social etiquette means we aren't hanging tonight. So, my only friend here is pretty much ruled out just by the simple fact that we hung out last night.
So -- I'm sitting here contemplating going to see "The Time Traveler's Wife" tonight all by my lonesome. I'm looking for companionship in a bag of medium popcorn, I suppose.
Fighting against loneliness tonight -- maybe tomorrow will be better.
L
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Thursday, January 4, 2007
Dreams of my Own
Another late night, after reading some random man's ideas of how I need to wake up in the morning. Apparently, the reason I want to lay in my warm bed, surrounded by down and clean white on all sides and not get out of bed has something to do with self-discipline.
Interesting, I have an older mentor who has guided me on so many things professionally, but today, I saw him in a different light and it's thrown me for a bit of a loop. Not one of those lights where I think I want to date him (he's 50 years my senior) but one where all of a sudden everything he says doesn't necessarily hold the same weight that it might have just a very few weeks ago. He called me today to tell me that my current boss finds me to be abrasive to anyone I've worked for at all. Mentor defended me saying that most women who are assertive and aggressive are thought to be abrasive and that's too bad. And Mentor says all of these things to me, cuts me down in so many ways. In a job in which I'm paid $10,000 under the national average and give a lot of hours (though less now that I understand the pay is never changing). I can't be made to feel guilty for trying to find a new job opportunity down the line, or right around the corner (hopefully) and that's what Mentor seems to do to me a lot of the time. I must remember that his concerns are this place and not necessarily me first. And I am centered on what's best for me. With no dog or children - and no significant other to run home to - it's all about me, for better or worse.
And always, there in the back of my mind, are my grandparents. When Buddy died, it was every day that I counted how many days he had been gone from my life. With them, I'm not counting the days, just the punches to the gut when I think to call them and then I remember that they aren't there to answer the phone. I feel like no one outside of my family understands how devastating the summer was for me. And it's just awful, to try to live in a year in which neither of them ever saw. How can 2007 be better than 2006 when both of them are gone? It doesn't make much sense to me, but I'm going to hope for that.
The workout regimen continues apace. We'll see what happens there. So far, so good. Down about 3 pounds. Really I'm just trying to win the $25 certificate to my favorite boutique here in town, due to the aforementioned salary limitations.
Beyond that, had dinner with an old friend/flame last Friday night. He drove here and cooked salmon on my grill. It was nice, but I didn't want him to kiss me at all. We sat laughing at the tv and enjoying ourselves until it was very late and I know he wanted me to invite him to stay the night, but I mainly wanted to sleep alone. Sometimes, sleeping next to someone is all you want. But in reality, sleeping next to anyone isn't the point. It's about sleeping next to SOMEone. And he wasn't the someone I was hoping for. I don't know what I'm holding out for. Something good, I'm certain.
And now, it's time to end this for the evening.
Splash.
Interesting, I have an older mentor who has guided me on so many things professionally, but today, I saw him in a different light and it's thrown me for a bit of a loop. Not one of those lights where I think I want to date him (he's 50 years my senior) but one where all of a sudden everything he says doesn't necessarily hold the same weight that it might have just a very few weeks ago. He called me today to tell me that my current boss finds me to be abrasive to anyone I've worked for at all. Mentor defended me saying that most women who are assertive and aggressive are thought to be abrasive and that's too bad. And Mentor says all of these things to me, cuts me down in so many ways. In a job in which I'm paid $10,000 under the national average and give a lot of hours (though less now that I understand the pay is never changing). I can't be made to feel guilty for trying to find a new job opportunity down the line, or right around the corner (hopefully) and that's what Mentor seems to do to me a lot of the time. I must remember that his concerns are this place and not necessarily me first. And I am centered on what's best for me. With no dog or children - and no significant other to run home to - it's all about me, for better or worse.
And always, there in the back of my mind, are my grandparents. When Buddy died, it was every day that I counted how many days he had been gone from my life. With them, I'm not counting the days, just the punches to the gut when I think to call them and then I remember that they aren't there to answer the phone. I feel like no one outside of my family understands how devastating the summer was for me. And it's just awful, to try to live in a year in which neither of them ever saw. How can 2007 be better than 2006 when both of them are gone? It doesn't make much sense to me, but I'm going to hope for that.
The workout regimen continues apace. We'll see what happens there. So far, so good. Down about 3 pounds. Really I'm just trying to win the $25 certificate to my favorite boutique here in town, due to the aforementioned salary limitations.
Beyond that, had dinner with an old friend/flame last Friday night. He drove here and cooked salmon on my grill. It was nice, but I didn't want him to kiss me at all. We sat laughing at the tv and enjoying ourselves until it was very late and I know he wanted me to invite him to stay the night, but I mainly wanted to sleep alone. Sometimes, sleeping next to someone is all you want. But in reality, sleeping next to anyone isn't the point. It's about sleeping next to SOMEone. And he wasn't the someone I was hoping for. I don't know what I'm holding out for. Something good, I'm certain.
And now, it's time to end this for the evening.
Splash.
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